Yesterday, I received a birthday reminder from Amazon. The email contained two reminders: the date of my birthday and the age I would be turning. They got the date right—March 1st (today!). However, they got the age wrong by 2 years. According to this email wizard, I am actually turning 25 not 27 today—strange, I guess the last two years didn’t occur? Have they been a dream? This thinking sounds silly—or at least it should sound silly. Yet, over the past two years, I honestly can’t recall how many times I’ve wondered this very question. Over and over, I’ve asked myself, “is this really happening?” or “when am I going to wake up and realize that life is just as it should be?”
These past two years have been filled with incredible experiences (e.g., getting married), but also a lot of struggle and painful experiences. These painful experiences always seemed to coincide with a positive experience (e.g., receiving negative news while on my honeymoon or anytime I was celebrating something joyous). This correlation made me fear positive experiences. I pulled myself into a shell of self-protection and began to play smaller. I noticed this tendency increase when I was 25. Then, as I entered my 26th year, I truly believe I lost a huge sense of self. I was motivated by fear and even with this motivation to do everything as perfectly as possible, I was never enough according to other people. I was never worthy. Over the past year, I’ve lost an incredible amount of self-confidence and have focused for the most part on moving one step at a time through incredibly difficult challenges.
Over the past two years, I lived my life according to a script created much earlier in life for how my life should unfold. I wasn’t going to give up on myself, on this beautiful script.
With time and lots of introspection, I realized that by sticking to this script, I was actually giving up on myself. This script was forcing me down a path that would shatter the parts of my life that I cherish. If the best writers rarely pen their books without multiple drafts and revisions, why shouldn’t I be doing the same with this first draft life script that no longer works?
This decision to revise my story is both liberating and unsettling. It requires shedding a part of my identity that has felt comfortable for very long. The story I’m now focused on is centered on my life today—what is important to me at this point in my life? What am I no longer willing to sacrifice or tolerate?
I don’t want to move backwards—to the me of two years ago. I don’t regret the path I took, but it’s a path that I never ever want to repeat.
I am beginning year 27 with a new book, not just a new chapter. I’ve already taken actions to make this year completely different from the last two years.
… I am celebrating my birthday with my entire family tonight in Miami. I haven’t been able to do this since my 18th birthday.
… I have moved from Boston to Miami—10 minutes away from my sister and 45 minutes away from the rest of my family. I’ve always had to take a plane to visit my family since going to college.
… I am completing my PhD in Miami and am so grateful to be entering a supportive academic community. I have no doubt that this environment is going to allow me to push my research and clinical skills to a new level.
Many things are changing for the positive as I move into this new chronological year. I am SO ready to open up this book to page one and begin writing.
Today, I choose to celebrate where I am right now and not dwell on what it has taken to get to this place.
image: found via pinterest
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
GOOD FOR YOU! Supporting you every step of the way :)
thank you so very much, lee! grateful as ever for your support :)
Congrats and thanks for such a spot on post. “If the best writers rarely pen their books without multiple drafts and revisions, why shouldn’t I be doing the same with this first draft life script that no longer works?”. This is completely true.
that line just came to me and the metaphor just completely grasped what i was trying to say. i love to relate all things to writing it seems!!
Love this post, Carolyn! And I think the writer metaphor is brilliant.
“If the best writers rarely pen their books without multiple drafts and revisions, why shouldn’t I be doing the same with this first draft life script that no longer works?”
Powerful!
oh you are too kind, an. i’m so happy you liked the metaphor :)
Hi! We don’t know each other personally but through your blogs, I can tell you’re a great person =) Happy Birthday! You will be in my prayers tonight. I wish you all the happiness that this beautiful life can give! God bless!
Btw, C.S. Lewis is the best! hahaha
Take care!
Thank you so much, Emmarie. I can tell from your comment that you are a wonderful person as well :). Wishing you a joy filled week!
Happy birthday, Carolyn!! I hope you have a great one and it sounds like from your post – you will!! I’m excited for your re-brith and new book! You will get through this and come out with a new foundation for what is right and true for you. This sturdier platform will then support all that you do from here on out!
perfectly stated wise words (as usual), thank you jess for your support through all of this :).
This. is. beautiful!
Congratulations :)
Thank you, Dayla!!
wonderful post that reminded me of Glenda the good witch to Dorothy about it always being inside of you (you just have to find it or keep in touch with it).
Wishing you a wonderful birthday – thank you for all the thought provoking posts and the encouragement to journal!
xoxo
oh how sweet, love thinking about the comparison to glenda (the good witch) and her words to dorothy. put a big smile on my face — so grateful for your kindness and support!!
Is this what you’ve been eluding to for the past 6-8 months – switching psych programs? I was just explaining to someone how brutal and unsupportive clinical psych programs can be – which is so unexpected since we are supposed to care about mental health?! I’m excited for you! I’m taking a big leap right now and not doing a research post-doc like 100% of my peers. Leaping into clinical work – which is a better fit for me. I LOVE research, but I don’t want to be a PI. Anyway, hopefully there will be less vagueness on your blog now that the cat’s out and have SO much fun in Miami. Being near family is the best! And the sunshine! Did your husband find a new job in Miami – do you need to live apart?
Happy Birthday!!!
oh, erin, you are good :). a lot has happened over the past 6 months or so and a lot of it relates to graduate school (but the whole story won’t be revealed for quite some time). But definitely less vagueness on the blog as I move forward which I’m excited about!
kudos to you for following your heart and paving your own path for your post-doc. leaping into clinical work sounds like it’s a wonderful plan for you!
my husband is in miami as well so gratefully there is no living apart :)
thank you for your comment and kind wishes!!