Authenticity

May 1

A Post About Life: An Update

Moments blur together and days pass by so quickly that I truly cannot believe it is May. This past month and the past few months have been trying to say the least, yet incredible. Oh and it bothers me so when people say that, that there is a silver lining to those trying times when you’re in the midst of the struggle. It’s a battle to keep yourself from sinking into the quick sand. I’ve been there and am a bit wobbly still but hope that for just a few minutes, I can glance in the rearview mirror.

I had the surgery two weeks ago. And it was frightening in every way possible. My husband and parents were so strong for me. I had a multi-hour delay after being prepped for surgery—that was the scariest time. Every worry that I had worked so hard to keep myself from fretting over had lots of time to take center stage. But I just let it be. I leaned on my family and got through it, tears and all. The next couple of days post-surgery are a blur to me. And then I went right into the last week of classes and then this week: finals. My perspective has shifted so drastically. I’m exhausted and working hard to get everything done, but trying not to beat myself up over the many ways I could have made this week easier for myself “if only” I had (fill in the blank!). I need to remember that it’s only been two weeks and I’m not superhuman. It’s okay to take time to process and recover. Until today, I haven’t been able to do any exercise. I can’t wait to move my body again rather than crunch over books or type frantically as I watch my timer tick away.

Then, next week everything changes again. I’m so ready for a different pace, for time to connect with the people close to me and to begin exciting new journeys. But this frantic pace, it’s not conducive to the way I work and learn. I’ve taken enough tests for five people to go to college and never take a test again. Pre-test adrenaline no longer excites me, it exhausts me. My energy and time are valuable commodities that I took for granted for too long. I want to explore different ways of conserving these valuables so I can be resilient for trying times. I guess this is me looking back at the person I used to praise for getting so much done and realizing that none of that matters. None of what I’ve done defines me. I don’t rest on my laurels. But I’ve been challenged enough to know that when presented with a challenge, worthy of my energy and time, I will rise to the occasion. Right now, I am doing that. I am pressing pause and focusing on finishing what I started, this semester of graduate school. Why? Because the process is everything, it’s these moments when I don’t give up and so easily could that I reflect on during other challenges and know that I’ve done it before and I can do it again. And I do it again because the goal is more than three letters stamped next to my name. It’s one step in a much bigger picture that represents my future dreams, the crazy ones and the realistic ones.

My timer has just buzzed and the calendar officially says May 1st. I have a feeling this is going to be a beautiful month.

I hope that in my journey, you can see a glimmer of relatability–to who you were or who you are. Each day, I am reminded that our journeys are much more similar than we realize. I hope that May brings beautiful moments into your life, filled with glimmers of hope and possibility. And take time to soak up the magic of everyday moments, because I am choosing to believe that as corny as it sounds April Showers do bring May Flowers!

But above all, I sat down to write this post to thank you, each of you reading my blog, for your thoughts and prayers two weeks ago. I read your comments during those hours of waiting and they brought me so much comfort.

I am so grateful for you.

Love,

Carolyn

image: from my instagram feed! (username: @crubenstein)

 

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Apr 16

A Post About Life

Over the summer, I began writing this post. I would open a new text file each time I sat at my computer, waiting for the right words to find me. I wrote words, lots and lots of words that I didn’t know what to do with. Do I share them? Do I compile them? Or do I ignore them? As the text files piled up on my desktop, I felt the weight of these words building. I needed to make a decision and move on. Without a decision, I felt stuck. And I’ve been stuck until now. Today I finally decided that I need to write more words, some similar to the words I wrote but never published over the summer. This decision feels safer right now because the world has given me a reality check (i.e., the tragic events in Boston). It’s interesting that so many of my own personal tragedies occurred in Boston. It’s a city I lived in for five years and grew to love, primarily for the pain it provided me (not the city itself, but my experiences while living in the city) to grow into the person I am today. This post, I wouldn’t be writing if it weren’t for those years in Boston.

Recently, I wrote about my confusion around the topic of blogging. My confusion still exists and feels greater now than ever before. While I maintain that this blog is personal (because it is), I also have clear boundaries about what I talk online about and what I leave offline. Today, a lot of my life is offline. And I’m struggling to determine how much to say, if anything at all, about what I’m currently processing and experiencing. I will say from the start that I don’t know the answer to this question. So this discussion will likely be a bit piecemeal, but to disappear from this space all together doesn’t feel right at all. And to post something unrelated and not say anything doesn’t feel right either. Because in a year when I look back at the posts from this time, I want to know what I was saying and how I was showing up online. I want some type of record.

So ultimately I decided to show up and begin writing the words for this post because I know other people, actually a lot of people, are in the same boat as me. We go through our lives with smiles on our faces even while navigating stormy waters. We try to fit everything into our day, sacrifice as little as possible, even when our schedules are a bit lopsided. We don’t want to make excuses or garner pity. We just need to make it all work. At least that is how I felt, until I told one of my research supervisors. And her compassion and understanding was and is truly remarkable. I know that most people don’t respond in the way she did when I told her about life, right now, and how I needed to make a few changes to my schedule. I’ve experienced callousness in the past that hardened me. To experience a compassionate response while in such a vulnerable state, I was able to release a huge weight of guilt and angst. And it allowed me to recognize the need to prioritize self-compassion which may look different now than it did 3 months ago. It freed me to think about myself first and others second. This shift needed to happen.

My “right now” consists of a lot of work, good work that feeds my soul, keeping me very busy and a tremendous amount of support offline. I feel so very grateful and nurtured.

When I enter the online sphere, I retreat to the other version of me—the version that wants to just pretend I can do it all with a smile on my face. This discrepancy is strange because it has always been the reverse. I started blogging because it allowed me to have a voice during a time when a lot of my vulnerability offline had to be kept hidden.

And I feel silly because I don’t even want to say what it is that I’m experiencing…because compared to what others are going through (and what has just happened in Boston) what I’m experiencing is a blip on the road. But since it is my road to travel alone, the blip seems bigger to me than others and I know that is just reality. We each have very different experiences and have to live life from our own perspective not someone else’s. I don’t want to minimize the worthiness of my feelings.

Over the summer, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s (an autoimmune disease that is related to thyroid functioning—see these bloggers for more insight on this disorder). It took time to find the right endocrinologist and get my body into balance, something I’ll continue monitoring for the rest of my life. This is manageable and is just something that has become part of my regular life. Then, unrelated, a couple of months ago, my doctor found one or two growths that need to be surgically removed (from a female region). I’m having the surgery tomorrow (Wednesday). And I’m scared. I really just want it to be over. I’m ready to be on the other side of this experience moving forward, stronger and more resilient.

I’m forging ahead, living with the fear and anxiety and not letting it live for me. I’m being proactive and preparing lots of self-compassion for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I am going to use these days to be very kind to myself.

This is my right now. And I haven’t been talking about it online. And yikes it feels good to just say it and move forward. Wednesday should be a cakewalk after this blog post :).

…

p.s. the title of this post is inspired by one of my favorite blogs, a blog about love.

photo of magical heart by @bspoont (my husband)

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Mar 22

The Twists and Turns of Blogging

When I began blogging over four years ago, I was in a very different place—literally and figuratively. I began blogging to capture a piece of myself that I felt was being ripped away, my voice. I needed to feel a sense of control. I needed to know that amidst a great storm, I could stay afloat and maintain a completely isolated space untarnished by external forces.

Today, I can reflect on this period of darkness with a new perspective because everything has changed. My voice is completely ingrained in my identity. It is not going to be taken away.

When change occurs, there are ripple effects. And I think I’ve tried to ignore this new reality filled with these ripples. Many bloggers use their blogs to further their offline or online profession, as a marketing or branding tool. Other bloggers are already established in their professional identity or field of work and their blog has no impact on this aspect of their life.

There are very few bloggers who are establishing themselves within a professional field that is grounded in the tenet of “do no harm.” Everything I write leaves me questioning, who is reading these words and how are they interpreting what I’m writing. I’ve blogged through tricky waters before (when I first started blogging) and seem to be at a transition point where I need to determine how to remain true to myself, both personally and professionally.

I am beginning to think about how my writing can transition with me. I love blogging and social media, but need to create clear boundaries for myself. These boundaries will free me to simply be. Just writing that sentence fills me with a sense of peace.

I want to blog less with my voice and more with my heart, going deeper rather than broader.

It’s confusing to be in this place of uncertainty—to sit with the anxiety and let it be. Akin to much of life, blogging feels like something you need to constantly be growing—doing more, thinking ahead and feeling devalued if you are not publishing post after post. I think many bloggers, including myself, devalue the work we’ve already done, the posts we’ve written, and the challenges we’ve traversed. It’s in the archives.

In life, our accomplishments often get filed away into the archives of our brain. If we aren’t doing more, creating more, then we are left to wonder—is the best behind us? Personally, I questioned this a lot when I started blogging. I had accomplished so much at such a young age that after I reached a certain age, my accomplishments were no longer news worthy. There was someone younger doing something more. I couldn’t remain in the identity that felt very rewarding for so long. And life is strange, because today I’m behind in many areas of my life for my age. I’m still in graduate school (getting a PhD is no cakewalk) and am constantly asked when my husband and I will be having a baby (have you met Lila Rose?). Thankfully, I don’t feel “behind.” I feel grateful to be at this point in my life, to be able to spend this time working towards a degree in a field that I love so passionately and nurturing a marriage to the one person who fills my soul with more love than I know what to do with.

This post has taken many twists and turns, from the topic of boundaries to the topic of life as a graduate student in love with her husband. It would be so much easier to blog about fashion (which I love!) or the latest books I’ve read or launching a little paper dream or life as a graduate student (okay, and I’d probably be an amazing doggie blogger). But if you know me or have read this blog for enough time (or read through the archives—I’m pretty proud of the posts I’ve written over the past four and half years), then you know I would not be blogging for long. I live with tremendous passion and don’t shy away from challenges. So while I wear many hats and am navigating some newer waters with regards to my blogging, I know that above all else, I will remain true to who I am and who I’ve always been.

So here I am, more words on paper—left to wonder, are these words okay to post? I truly don’t know. But I hope that by facing this fear over and over again that I will learn what I am okay with—and will be able to listen within for the answer to this question rather than look out.

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Mar 5

True Places Never Are

Midterms are this week. I hope to maintain a sense of sanity through it all, but am juggling so much—so much that I am passionate about, feels truly like soul work. Time moves so quickly; yet, I need it to slow down this week. I am trying my best, extended beyond my normal limits, but still maintaining boundaries and trying to protect pockets of time when I can. What I do know: my life is very interesting, very exciting— boredom is far from my vocabulary. For that I am grateful.

And I will find my way, no map is needed.

image: tina crespo via society6

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Feb 25

A Lesson From the Moon

Every morning, after getting dressed, I pull on the handle of a tiny drawer in my closet. I open the drawer and grasp onto the same bracelet every single day. I slip the bracelet over my wrist and notice my attention shift to the little gold moon charm dangling off into the air. And I remember the message that arrived with this bracelet, the meaning of the moon charm: to protect and nourish along one’s path of growth and actualization. And throughout the day, this charm serves as a trigger, a reminder to protect and nourish myself—to breathe deeply, to create space for growth, and to cultivate grace from within.

This blog, this virtual space, is an extension of my life—my journey…our interconnected journeys. I realize that I’m quite protective of this space—unwilling to post for the sake of posting. As a person who craves and thrives in structure, it is quite strange that I don’t force myself to maintain a stringent posting schedule. Oh, I have in the past. And this space felt so very different for me. I lost the excitement to show up for the sake of simply being present. With time, I’m learning to protect this space from what’s expected—sadly, I have read practically all the books (and e-books) on blogging and tried for too long to conform to the various rules dictated by other bloggers. I bought into the mentality that you could be a good blogger or a bad blogger, an all or nothing mentality that fit my life at the time. But this mentality no longer fits my life. Offline, I don’t let labels define who I am or what I do (I did in the past). And I don’t want any labels to define me online either. But just as I struggle offline to protect and nourish myself along my path of growth and actualization, I struggle online as well.

I constantly remind myself to let go of what others expect or what I expect “should” be done. It’s a practice that I return to over and over again. When we enter different spaces, we are influenced by the norms of the context. This is normal. But the norms don’t have to define who we are in the space. It’s easier to show up and blend in than to ruffle a few feathers. While I do choose the path of least resistance in some instances, more often than not I choose to show up as myself, which I know is enough.

I love that a little moon charm dangling from my bracelet reminded me to return here, to this space, to write from within and simply let go of everything else.

This moment, these words, are my life. Simple and seemingly nonsignificant, but examined up close—truly profound.

…

This Friday (March 1st), I am celebrating my birthday. Each year, I try to do something unique for myself and others, grateful for the opportunity to turn another year older (truly). This year, I have a few ideas brewing. One of these ideas I’ll be sharing with my little paper dream (i.e., Two Rubies) mailing list on Friday. I would love for you to be part of the celebration. Simply, sign up for this separate list here.

Wishing you a beautiful end of February!

Love,

Carolyn

(the bracelet: purchased on opensky - not an affiliate, just love my little moon bracelet!)

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