Moments blur together and days pass by so quickly that I truly cannot believe it is May. This past month and the past few months have been trying to say the least, yet incredible. Oh and it bothers me so when people say that, that there is a silver lining to those trying times when you’re in the midst of the struggle. It’s a battle to keep yourself from sinking into the quick sand. I’ve been there and am a bit wobbly still but hope that for just a few minutes, I can glance in the rearview mirror.

I had the surgery two weeks ago. And it was frightening in every way possible. My husband and parents were so strong for me. I had a multi-hour delay after being prepped for surgery—that was the scariest time. Every worry that I had worked so hard to keep myself from fretting over had lots of time to take center stage. But I just let it be. I leaned on my family and got through it, tears and all. The next couple of days post-surgery are a blur to me. And then I went right into the last week of classes and then this week: finals. My perspective has shifted so drastically. I’m exhausted and working hard to get everything done, but trying not to beat myself up over the many ways I could have made this week easier for myself “if only” I had (fill in the blank!). I need to remember that it’s only been two weeks and I’m not superhuman. It’s okay to take time to process and recover. Until today, I haven’t been able to do any exercise. I can’t wait to move my body again rather than crunch over books or type frantically as I watch my timer tick away.
Then, next week everything changes again. I’m so ready for a different pace, for time to connect with the people close to me and to begin exciting new journeys. But this frantic pace, it’s not conducive to the way I work and learn. I’ve taken enough tests for five people to go to college and never take a test again. Pre-test adrenaline no longer excites me, it exhausts me. My energy and time are valuable commodities that I took for granted for too long. I want to explore different ways of conserving these valuables so I can be resilient for trying times. I guess this is me looking back at the person I used to praise for getting so much done and realizing that none of that matters. None of what I’ve done defines me. I don’t rest on my laurels. But I’ve been challenged enough to know that when presented with a challenge, worthy of my energy and time, I will rise to the occasion. Right now, I am doing that. I am pressing pause and focusing on finishing what I started, this semester of graduate school. Why? Because the process is everything, it’s these moments when I don’t give up and so easily could that I reflect on during other challenges and know that I’ve done it before and I can do it again. And I do it again because the goal is more than three letters stamped next to my name. It’s one step in a much bigger picture that represents my future dreams, the crazy ones and the realistic ones.
My timer has just buzzed and the calendar officially says May 1st. I have a feeling this is going to be a beautiful month.
I hope that in my journey, you can see a glimmer of relatability–to who you were or who you are. Each day, I am reminded that our journeys are much more similar than we realize. I hope that May brings beautiful moments into your life, filled with glimmers of hope and possibility. And take time to soak up the magic of everyday moments, because I am choosing to believe that as corny as it sounds April Showers do bring May Flowers!
But above all, I sat down to write this post to thank you, each of you reading my blog, for your thoughts and prayers two weeks ago. I read your comments during those hours of waiting and they brought me so much comfort.
I am so grateful for you.
Love,
Carolyn
image: from my instagram feed! (username: @crubenstein)
{ 9 comments }






