Feelings

May 1

A Post About Life: An Update

Moments blur together and days pass by so quickly that I truly cannot believe it is May. This past month and the past few months have been trying to say the least, yet incredible. Oh and it bothers me so when people say that, that there is a silver lining to those trying times when you’re in the midst of the struggle. It’s a battle to keep yourself from sinking into the quick sand. I’ve been there and am a bit wobbly still but hope that for just a few minutes, I can glance in the rearview mirror.

I had the surgery two weeks ago. And it was frightening in every way possible. My husband and parents were so strong for me. I had a multi-hour delay after being prepped for surgery—that was the scariest time. Every worry that I had worked so hard to keep myself from fretting over had lots of time to take center stage. But I just let it be. I leaned on my family and got through it, tears and all. The next couple of days post-surgery are a blur to me. And then I went right into the last week of classes and then this week: finals. My perspective has shifted so drastically. I’m exhausted and working hard to get everything done, but trying not to beat myself up over the many ways I could have made this week easier for myself “if only” I had (fill in the blank!). I need to remember that it’s only been two weeks and I’m not superhuman. It’s okay to take time to process and recover. Until today, I haven’t been able to do any exercise. I can’t wait to move my body again rather than crunch over books or type frantically as I watch my timer tick away.

Then, next week everything changes again. I’m so ready for a different pace, for time to connect with the people close to me and to begin exciting new journeys. But this frantic pace, it’s not conducive to the way I work and learn. I’ve taken enough tests for five people to go to college and never take a test again. Pre-test adrenaline no longer excites me, it exhausts me. My energy and time are valuable commodities that I took for granted for too long. I want to explore different ways of conserving these valuables so I can be resilient for trying times. I guess this is me looking back at the person I used to praise for getting so much done and realizing that none of that matters. None of what I’ve done defines me. I don’t rest on my laurels. But I’ve been challenged enough to know that when presented with a challenge, worthy of my energy and time, I will rise to the occasion. Right now, I am doing that. I am pressing pause and focusing on finishing what I started, this semester of graduate school. Why? Because the process is everything, it’s these moments when I don’t give up and so easily could that I reflect on during other challenges and know that I’ve done it before and I can do it again. And I do it again because the goal is more than three letters stamped next to my name. It’s one step in a much bigger picture that represents my future dreams, the crazy ones and the realistic ones.

My timer has just buzzed and the calendar officially says May 1st. I have a feeling this is going to be a beautiful month.

I hope that in my journey, you can see a glimmer of relatability–to who you were or who you are. Each day, I am reminded that our journeys are much more similar than we realize. I hope that May brings beautiful moments into your life, filled with glimmers of hope and possibility. And take time to soak up the magic of everyday moments, because I am choosing to believe that as corny as it sounds April Showers do bring May Flowers!

But above all, I sat down to write this post to thank you, each of you reading my blog, for your thoughts and prayers two weeks ago. I read your comments during those hours of waiting and they brought me so much comfort.

I am so grateful for you.

Love,

Carolyn

image: from my instagram feed! (username: @crubenstein)

 

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Mar 30

Color Me Happy: Dotted with Gold

It has been far too long since I posted a new Color Me Happy inspiration board! I love this series because it is makes me just so happy (corny, I know!). Recently, I’ve been attracted to all things gold, and in particular, anything with gold polka dots…or dotted with gold. What color or pattern has been making you happy recently? 

 

:: sources ::

*technology: mouse pad (diy by lovely indeed) | kate spade iPhone case
*bedroom: gold wall decals (found at house of fifty, sold by urban walls on etsy) | caitlin wilson textiles gold dot pillow (spotted in my office!)
*gifts: kate spade twirl perfume | accessory tray by the altered chain on etsy

… more color me happy inspiration: color me happy (pinterest board) and the color me happy series

p.s. thank you to the lovely meghan for serving as my graphic fairy and helping me create this magical color me happy board!

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Feb 25

A Lesson From the Moon

Every morning, after getting dressed, I pull on the handle of a tiny drawer in my closet. I open the drawer and grasp onto the same bracelet every single day. I slip the bracelet over my wrist and notice my attention shift to the little gold moon charm dangling off into the air. And I remember the message that arrived with this bracelet, the meaning of the moon charm: to protect and nourish along one’s path of growth and actualization. And throughout the day, this charm serves as a trigger, a reminder to protect and nourish myself—to breathe deeply, to create space for growth, and to cultivate grace from within.

This blog, this virtual space, is an extension of my life—my journey…our interconnected journeys. I realize that I’m quite protective of this space—unwilling to post for the sake of posting. As a person who craves and thrives in structure, it is quite strange that I don’t force myself to maintain a stringent posting schedule. Oh, I have in the past. And this space felt so very different for me. I lost the excitement to show up for the sake of simply being present. With time, I’m learning to protect this space from what’s expected—sadly, I have read practically all the books (and e-books) on blogging and tried for too long to conform to the various rules dictated by other bloggers. I bought into the mentality that you could be a good blogger or a bad blogger, an all or nothing mentality that fit my life at the time. But this mentality no longer fits my life. Offline, I don’t let labels define who I am or what I do (I did in the past). And I don’t want any labels to define me online either. But just as I struggle offline to protect and nourish myself along my path of growth and actualization, I struggle online as well.

I constantly remind myself to let go of what others expect or what I expect “should” be done. It’s a practice that I return to over and over again. When we enter different spaces, we are influenced by the norms of the context. This is normal. But the norms don’t have to define who we are in the space. It’s easier to show up and blend in than to ruffle a few feathers. While I do choose the path of least resistance in some instances, more often than not I choose to show up as myself, which I know is enough.

I love that a little moon charm dangling from my bracelet reminded me to return here, to this space, to write from within and simply let go of everything else.

This moment, these words, are my life. Simple and seemingly nonsignificant, but examined up close—truly profound.

…

This Friday (March 1st), I am celebrating my birthday. Each year, I try to do something unique for myself and others, grateful for the opportunity to turn another year older (truly). This year, I have a few ideas brewing. One of these ideas I’ll be sharing with my little paper dream (i.e., Two Rubies) mailing list on Friday. I would love for you to be part of the celebration. Simply, sign up for this separate list here.

Wishing you a beautiful end of February!

Love,

Carolyn

(the bracelet: purchased on opensky - not an affiliate, just love my little moon bracelet!)

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Feb 9

Overcoming the Guiltcation (AKA the Guilt Trip)

A few weeks ago, I shared my “dark cloud” experience with you and ended the post with a promise to share how I was able to let the light back into my life. Below is what I journaled the evening I shared that post with you. It’s long and a bit raw, but I do hope that it is helpful for others who may be experiencing something similar.

safe to simply be

Last night, I moved away from my computer and analytical tasks to work with my hands. I spent time alone in my office with the lights twinkling outside packaging single cards for Two Rubies (aka my little paper dream). I peeled tiny labels off adhesive paper, folded envelopes just right, collated each card with the proper envelope and slipped them into a clear bag. Over and over I repeated this act. It felt like deep meditation that I didn’t want to end. I was immersed in the moment, focused on the beauty of a dream realized, and the person that would open each card. I said a little mantra for each card when it was complete that felt so important (like this little mantra would be heard and felt by the recipient): “May you feel loved and worthy, safe to simply be.”

After completing 50 cards, I noticed a shift within me. I felt a bit lighter and a realization came upon me: Why am I not giving myself this mantra? 

The reason: I have been stuck in cycle of guilt—a personal guiltcation (my name for the “guilt trip”). I thrive in routine so returning from my trip to an overwhelming email inbox and a to-do list that could take the remainder of 2013 to complete left me feeling paralyzed and just plain guilty. And I let the guilt percolate. I allowed myself to think about who I was letting down all the time—never letting myself question what I may need or why this guilt exists or if I’m possibly letting myself down. My focus is extrinsically focused, even when I’m hurting and especially when I’m filled with guilt.

But what I realized is that I can’t let this guiltcation be permanent. I need to focus on the present rather than dwelling on the past. I need to acknowledge what I’m feeling guilty about in order to let it go and move forward.

At the root of guilt is a lesson, especially if the guilt serves no rational purpose (i.e., most guilt). For example, one of the things I feel great guilt around is my ability to respond to emails in a timely manner. I apologize for my email habits about 20 times a day, everyday. Clearly, something needs to change. I am going to face my email and examine how I can focus on responding to important emails in a timely manner. Most often, I don’t respond in a timely manner because I feel so guilty about all of the emails I haven’t responded to and get stuck either trying to respond to these old emails or feel paralyzed and don’t respond to any at all. Writing this for others to see makes me feel strange and vulnerable; however, in order to begin transitioning from this guiltcation (it’s no Hawaii), I need to acknowledge this issue and make myself more accountable (why not tell all of you, that should up the ante!).

Now, that I’ve recognized one of the roots of my guiltcation, I need to take action. I don’t believe in setting goals that are too lofty, especially for someone prone to feelings of guilt. Rather, the goals should be realistic. So I’m going to goal storm until something feels doable, and maybe a little easy.

I’ve been resisting the problem, increasing the guilt surrounding it—stirring the anxious pot. Naming the problem is empowering. It allows me to take back the reigns, to see where my actions may be askew and redirect how I move forward.

This I know: I want to live my life with intention. Guilt will not be the captain of my ship. 

:::

Do you experience the guiltcation? How do you overcome everyday feelings of guilt?

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Jan 31

Quoted No. 29

image: original source unknown

… i found this quote while reading brene brown’s latest book, daring greatly (highly recommend, in addition to her other books!)

… more quotes in the quoted series and on the quoted pinspiration board

… i am so grateful for your support of two rubies (thank you, thank you, thank you)! if you haven’t already,you can “like” (i get giddy with each new like!) the facebook page and add yourself to the VIP list :)

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ps. thank you for hanging in there as i try to balance my life as a phd student and launching two rubies (one day!) and blogging and simply being… (the list goes on!). i am so grateful for your support as i continue to dare greatly in uncharted waters :).

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