Last weekend, my family and I were flying back home to South Florida after picking up my son from his first summer at sleepaway camp. As we prepared to land, excitement was in the air—my son was eager to get home to his bed, his sister, his friends and his dogs. But just as we were about to reach the terminal, the plane came to a halt, and the engine turned off. We were delayed due to weather, and that’s when the situation started to unravel.
The plane, which was buzzing with excitement, quickly turned tense. Passengers grew anxious, especially the couple behind us, who were on the brink of missing a long-awaited family cruise. I could feel the stress and frustration building around us.
My son, though calm at first, began to grow restless as time dragged on. The couple behind us was visibly distressed—the husband was fixated on the idea that they would miss their cruise, while the wife tried in vain to reassure him. Their anxiety was palpable, and I felt compelled to do something to ease the tension.
I stood up with my son and started a conversation to help him process the situation.
Here’s how it went:
My Son [A]: “When are we going to get off? It’s been forever and I’m not going to be able to see everyone like we planned.”
Me [C]: “If you look outside, it’s stormy out, so I think that means we’ll get off when the storm passes, and everyone is safe to move around inside and outside. Storms can be so unpredictable here. I get that you’re frustrated—you’ve been anticipating this day all summer! But there are always things we can’t control—like the weather.”
A: “I wish we could control it.”
C: “I know, me too. But what can we control?”
A: “I guess what I’m doing now—I can message my friends and let them know our plans may change.”
C: “That’s smart. And then when we know more, we can let them know.”
A: “Exactly.”
C: “It’s still frustrating, but for now, let’s focus on letting this be and not getting more upset because that won’t change the weather. We could focus on everything that could’ve been different—what if we took an earlier flight or had landed a few minutes earlier—but that doesn’t feel very good.”
I had hoped our calm, logical conversation might have a ripple effect on the couple behind us, and it did. The wife shifted her approach, moving from reassurance to acceptance. She stopped trying to calm her husband by saying they might still make the cruise. Instead, she acknowledged the reality—they might miss it, and that was okay. This shift allowed them both to be present and handle the situation together, rather than fighting against what they couldn’t control.
After what felt like an eternity (reality: 2 hours), we were finally allowed to deplane. As it turned out, about 25% of the passengers were going on the same cruise, and the ship had waited for them. The couple wasn’t alone in their struggle, and their worst fears didn’t materialize.
The lesson was clear: Catastrophic thinking only made the situation worse, while acceptance provided the most relief in a challenging situation.
This experience reinforced some important strategies that I use both as a psychologist and in my own life:
Co-regulation: the process by which one person’s calm and steady demeanor can help soothe and regulate the emotions of others around them.
▶️ On the plane, when I stood up and began calmly speaking to my son, I wasn’t just helping him manage his anxiety—I was also providing a model of calm behavior that others, like the couple behind us, could attune to.
Acceptance: acknowledging and embracing the reality of circumstances that are beyond our control, rather than resisting or fighting against them.
▶️ On the plane, when the couple behind us initially struggled with the possibility of missing their cruise, they were caught in a cycle of frustration and anxiety, focusing on what could have been different. Acceptance came into play when the wife shifted her approach. Instead of continuing to reassure her husband that they might still make the cruise, she acknowledged the reality: they were likely going to miss it, and there was nothing they could do to change that. This shift allowed them both to stop fighting the situation and start dealing with it in a more constructive way.
Control: the actions, thoughts, and responses we can consciously choose, even when we are faced with circumstances that we cannot change.
▶️ On the plane, while we couldn’t control the weather, the timing of the flight, or the delay itself, we still had control over our reactions and how we managed the situation emotionally.
Support: offering emotional and psychological comfort through presence and understanding, rather than trying to solve the problem or make the discomfort go away. It’s about being there for someone as they face their reality, helping them feel less alone, and providing a steady, calm presence that can help them regulate their emotions and reactions.
As you navigate your own challenges, especially those beyond your control, remember these strategies. Next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, try to identify what you can control and practice acceptance for what you cannot. Take a moment to notice how this shift in approach impacts not just your experience, but those around you as well.
Take Action
This week, actively reflect on a situation where you felt stressed or frustrated by something out of your control. What was your initial reaction? Now, think about how you could have responded differently by focusing on what you could control and accepting what you couldn’t.
I challenge you to put this into practice: the next time you encounter a similar situation, consciously choose to shift your focus. Notice how this change impacts your mindset and the situation as a whole. Take a moment to write down your reflections and any insights you gain. If you feel inspired, I’d love to hear about your experience—reply to this email and share how actively choosing acceptance made a difference for you.
Take good care of yourself,
Dr. Carolyn