Struggling to Prioritize Yourself? Start here.

Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD

Licensed psychologist and wellness consultant

The struggle of prioritizing ourselves and letting others down is a common dilemma. We often set unrealistic expectations for ourselves, making self-care seem like a luxury rather than a necessity. This internal conflict can lead to feelings of guilt and burnout.

Consider how this struggle has affected you in the past. You might find yourself constantly pushing through exhaustion to meet others’ expectations, only to feel more depleted and stressed. This can create a vicious cycle where self-care is neglected, and the pressure to perform never eases.

For instance, last weekend my daughter and I had the flu. It was definitely not how we expected to spend the weekend. Lots of changes were made. My daughter recovered quickly, but my recovery took a bit longer. And I struggled with that—and am still struggling with that as I write this letter.

The struggle is related to my own ingrained beliefs and expectations:

  • When others are upset with me, I’ve done something wrong.
  • Focus on caring for myself but just enough so I don’t let others down.
  • Perform well enough that others can’t tell you’re not giving 100%.

These beliefs are difficult to share and unearth, but they became very obvious to me this past week. As I read them, it’s clear these expectations are far from what I truly believe. They are based on past wiring and my default mode of functioning—a formula for burnout.

Re-Evaluating Expectations

So, how can we adjust these expectations to be realistic? Let’s explore together.

When others are upset with me, I’ve done something wrong.

Others will have emotions in response to my actions. These emotions do not determine whether I’m right or wrong, worthy or not. They are simply emotions. If I choose to focus on the tough emotions others experience in relation to me, then I must also choose to focus on all the positive emotions others experience towards me. Ask yourself: Are you giving equal weight to the positive feedback and support you receive, or are you letting negative reactions dominate your self-worth?

Focus on caring for myself but just enough so I don’t let others down.

The hard truth is that when we prioritize ourselves—especially for acute or chronic stressors like health—we will let others down. As a psychologist, I wish I could say this weren’t true, but it is. So here’s where to focus: You will let others down, and that is okay. Because if we don’t slow down, we will ultimately let others down in much bigger ways.

Remember: Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential. When you’re at your best, you’re better equipped to support others in meaningful ways.

Perform well enough that others can’t tell you’re not giving 100%.

What if others knew you weren’t giving 100%? What would that mean?

Would I expect someone in my situation to be giving 100%? Definitely not. I would offer a lot more grace and compassion. So apply that back to yourself. Release the expectation that it’s all or nothing. 

Consider: How much more sustainable and fulfilling your efforts can be when you allow yourself the flexibility to give what you can, without the pressure of perfection.

When our mind says “DO,” and our body says “REST,” we need to listen to our body. Reflect on your ingrained beliefs and expectations. Are they realistic? Are they serving you or leading you towards burnout?

▶️ Take action now. Adjust your expectations to align with your true values and needs. Recognize that others’ emotions do not define your worth. Prioritize your well-being without guilt, and give yourself the grace and compassion you would offer to others.

You have the power to change this narrative. Let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace a balanced approach to self-care and responsibilities. Your well-being is not a luxury—it’s a necessity.

All my love,
Dr. Carolyn